Simpson’s “Horatio Nelson” Mocks Losers Following Naval Battle Triumph
Written by Chandler Ryd
Each year, Hillsdale students armed with pool noodles and cardboard paddles clash in a great naval battle organized by the Cravats and Bluestockings club. The annual battle pits students against one other in reenactments of historic naval encounters. Here, “Horatio Nelson”, the commander of the British (Simpson Residence) forces, recounts the reasons for the Simpson victory in this year’s “Battle of Trafalgar”.
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A Letter Regarding the Victory of Simpson, to the Losers
To the soldiers of Galloway and Niedfeldt:
To begin, I must assert that both of your dormitories are a sham. All hail Simpson. Now, with that indispensable fact established, I will recount the exact reasons why the honourable dormitory of Simpson far outmatched your forces on the high seas at the Battle of Trafalgar.
First, a touch of exposition: On the morn of the battle, the seas were calm, with not a single wave, and the honourable armies of Simpson had established a camp along the rocky shore of Lake Winona, which was bustling with all sorts of bacteria, murky with pungent mud, and coated in hundreds of lily-pads. The water was so shallow that all of the men from Simpson, due to their enormous size and strength, could nearly walk upon its surface, whereas the men from Galloway and Niedfeldt required pool noodles just to keep their heads above the surface. The sun warmed our skin as we launched our fine cardboard crafts into the seas.
There are reports circulating that the vessels of Galloway and Niedfeldt were superior in crafting to the vessels of Simpson, but I can assure you that this is no more than foul rumor. While your ships did appear to be of studier merit, the attention given to the aesthetics led to your fleet’s downfall. In short, your vessels were the creations of what one might call “pretty boys”. Your attention to your vessels, and not to the quality of the men commanding them, is proof that your minds and bodies have been softened by modern luxuries and too much time contemplating the fairer sex. Our vessels, bearing a more rugged and utilitarian design, were, consequently, of a higher quality.
Your softness was immediately apparent on the battlefield. As Commander, it was my duty to my men to be fully engaged in the chaos of battle. I led a squadron of valiant men into the fray. Our plan was to cut through the combat, land upon the enemy shore, capture the enemy flag, and bring it back to our camp, thus ending the battle with our inevitable victory. On the field of battle, however, plans tend to dissipate into various scrums and skirmishes. Our vessel was sunk by a dispatch of enemy troops intent on our destruction. But, through our valiant efforts, we quickly forced them back with our cardboard and Styrofoam weapons, and engaged in no small amount of muddy hand-to-hand grappling.
After several minutes of heated battle, a small group of our soldiers pressed into the enemy camp and stole the enemy’s flag. They were subdued by a troupe of Galloway men–the only few men in their entire army worth their salt–and the flag was thus again lost. But a young Simpson lad by the name of Samuel Phillips was able to salvage the situation. He grabbed the flag while I led our armies to press further upon the Galloway and Niedfeldt forces, clearing a path. Phillips cried out that he was in need of a vessel to carry him to shore, and our men, with incredible strength and determination, lifted a craft straight out of the swamp and carried it to Phillips, who mounted the wreckage of the ship and carried the enemy flag homeward to our victory.
While there were a few strong, fighting men among your armies, our men of Simpson far outmatched your men of Galloway and Niedfeldt in courage, in strength, and in will. Until the next time our forces meet again on the high seas, may your hearts sink as low as your boats, and may your victories be few and far between.
The Honourable Commander of the Simpson forces,
Horatio Nelson
If you missed the action, check out our video of the battle here:
Chandler Ryd is a freshman at Hillsdale College who is majoring in English. He is a Collegian Freelancer, creative writer, photographer, filmmaker, and craft root beer enthusiast.