In Response to Admiral Nelson: Galloway and Niedfeldt Strike Back
Written by Nathaniel Lehman
Each year, Hillsdale students armed with pool noodles and cardboard paddles clash in a great naval battle organized by the Cravats and Bluestockings club. This year, Simpson Residence emerged triumphant from the “Battle of Trafalgar” and flaunted their victory in a bombastic letter to the losers. Now, the soldiers of Galloway and Niedfeldt respond to Simpson’s taunts.
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To the soldiers of Simpson,
We had hoped that your behavior in victory would be as impressive as your skill on the battlefield, but are saddened to find that we were mistaken. In the very first sentence of your communication, you insulted our honor, our skills, and our character. We here at Galloway and Niedfeldt, in the vein of the Great Tradition of philosophers and scholars, believe that the realm of the mind is just as important (and perhaps more important) than simple feats of muscular strength. While the mob inside Simpson prefers muscle over mind, we in Galloway and Niedfeldt challenge ourselves academically as well as physically. This well-roundedness extends to all areas of our lives, but especially to last week’s conflict.
Before the fog of war descended upon campus, we were busy laboring in the shipyards, preparing for the inevitable conflict. We Spanish at Galloway built all types of vessels, from the small attack cruisers like El iBarco Volador (The Flying iBoat) to larger vessels such as El Colchón Mullido (The Fluffy Mattress). We even designed a vessel to bring attention to our glorious religious heritage: El Barco del Papa (The Pope’s Boat).
You accuse our ships of being less seaworthy than yours, but I would like to draw your attention to a reliable and unbiased source: our weekly newspaper, The Collegian. The reporter (who himself resides in Simpson) wrote, “[Galloway’s vessels] appeared to be the most structurally sound ships.” He also noted that the Spanish “tore through Simpson’s ships quickly, punching holes in plastic wrap and tearing cardboard and duct tape apart.” Eyewitnesses reported that near the conclusion of battle, the only boats remaining afloat were Spanish vessels. I rest my case.
Your account of the battle is for the main part accurate, but you have conveniently forgotten Simpson’s dishonorable actions on the eve of the battle. On that evening, your men launched an invasion of our dorm prior to any declaration of hostilities and demanded to see our boats even though we had not damaged one square millimeter of cardboard on yours. However, their attempts proved unfruitful, as we had anticipated this move and secreted our vessels away in a remote location.
When the battle commenced, the fighting in the murky waters of the swamp was intense. The men of Galloway and Niedfeldt upheld their honor by valiantly defending our flag. A massive tugging match took place in the middle of the swamp, and it took at least two-to-one numbers in your favor to finally dislodge our grip on the prize. During the course of the battle, one of your soldiers also actually desecrated his own flag (a most dishonorable action) by ripping it in half in his zeal to wrest it away from our brave men, leaving a few tatters and Simpson’s flagstaff in Galloway’s possession.
Both flags were in contention until the battle ended with Simpson declaring victory. I do not dispute your triumph, but I will note that the soldier who transported our flag to your side carried the prize in one hand and the tattered remains of what he deemed to call a “boat” in the other. I believe that a boat must be sizable enough to place a passenger atop it, but perhaps Simpson employs a different definition. No matter.
We men of Galloway and Niedfeldt salute Simpson and its strength in battle, but bear this in mind: might alone does not win a war. Without decent vessels to carry your men to and fro, you will never match Spain’s prowess on the high seas. The best man gleans knowledge from his foe’s strengths, and for your sake, I pray that you follow that advice. We certainly will.
We remain, until next year, cordially yours,
The Soldiers of Galloway and Niedfeldt
Nathaniel Lehman, from Midland, MI, is a freshman at Hillsdale College and a member of the Honors Program. In his spare time, Nathaniel enjoys playing Ultimate Frisbee on the quad, watching St. Louis Cardinals baseball, and attending Swing Dance on Friday nights.